I am Optimus Prime. I am neither a licensed psychiatrist nor a human. However, my 4,000,000,000 years of existence more than qualifies me to answer your questions. I can also transform into a truck.
I enjoy looking to the place where all humans seek knowledge -- advice columns, usually the one known as "Dear Abby" -- and offering my advice. My answer is the correct answer -- because I am a robot.
The only reason I'm here is because I have vowed to destroy Optimus Prime on all fields of battle -- including your pathetic human question and answer forums. Also, I was sentenced to do this for community service by the Quintessons.
I hope you all die.
 | Megatron on How Are Babies Made? |
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| Megatron on How Are Babies Made? |
 | Optimus Prime on How Are Babies Made? |
| Megatron on Can’t We All Just Get Al… |
Dear Optimus,
The question I have for you today is very simple. How are your babies made? For too long, I’ve been pondering this question, and I REALLY want to know how Cybertronian “sparklings” are made!
So, how do you ‘do it’ back on Cyberton?
Thanks, OptimusTron
Question Submitted via Ask Optimus a Question; Image via DeviantArt
Dear Optimus,
Why can’t the Autobots and Decepticons live in peace? It’s…sad…to think that you can’t live as one…just like humans…
From,
Heather
Submitted via Ask Optimus a Question
Dear…Heather,
It is really strange for me to use human names on this website, so I will just call you “Getalong Gang.” I can only assume you are full of some kind of mawkish human holiday spirit, or perhaps drunk on the congealed and sweetened scrambled eggs humans drink at Christmas time.
Decepticons have to steal and destroy. Autobots have to defend the weak. Guess we’re just wired that way – kind of like how humans are compelled to stuff themselves silly at all-you-can eat buffets and watch Jersey Shore marathons. At least we have the luxury of saying we’re robots – you humans just spend your time squandering your “free will.”
Happy Holidays,
Optimus Prime
For the record – next furry meatbag that compares me to a human will wake up in a batch of concrete slurry in Mixmaster’s mixer. Just saying.
Dear Optimus,
There’s this huge party coming up for the new year, and me and mybest friend got invites! So cool, right? Unfortunatley, though, I’m not so sure if I want to go. I’m a total music-jock, and I know sick music when I hear it, but I like to nerd out on stuff like action-scify cartoons. How do you think I know about this website?
Anyway, I’ve been too busy being intellegent to go to many parties, so I’m afraid I may not know what to do at a huge rave like this. I’d like to minimize my embaressment as much as possible. Well, what I want to know is whether or not I should even go to this party, and if so, what the hell do I do there? How do you party?
~Love,
Too School for Cool
Submitted via Ask Optimus a Question
Dear Too School,
Over the course of running this website I have become familiar with the documentary films known as “teen comedies,” and according to those videos, you have a few options:
Option 1: Get way too drunk and blow a chance with the girl or boy of your dreams. Don’t worry, however – fate will conspire to get you back together in some nauseatingly cute way within 90 minutes.
Option 2: Get yourself sent to detention before the big party and make friends with a rough-around-the-edges hooligan. He will teach you how to party properly in exchange for you teaching him how to do something nerdy he secretly loves.
Option 3: Become the Patron Saint of the Totally Fucked.
On an unrelated note – I actually am curious how you found this site. According to our Google Analytics records, 90% of our traffic comes from people searching for “lezbeyuns.”
Thanks,
Optimus Prime
Dear TSFC,
I like to treat all social gatherings the same, whether it’s a party, the first day of kindergarten, or the minute you get let out of solitary confinement in prison, which you totally didn’t deserve in the first place because you don’t know who was making Energon moonshine in the toilet in your cell no matter what those stupid guards say!
Kick in the door, shotgun a beer, deep kiss the nearest organism that makes your baby button tingle, and stab someone (preferably not the host) in the chest with a switchblade. After that, no one’s even going to notice if you’re not good at small talk or get so drunk you pass out behind the azaleas.
In other news – rave? Do kids really say rave nowadays? Or do you go to high school in an episode of Beverly Hills 90210? Remember that one, where they had to bring an egg to that store and then Brandon got dosed? That was awesome.
Love,
Megatron
Hey Megatron and Optimus!
Speaking of parties, you two silly nuts haven’t RSVP’ed yet for my holiday gathering. Hurry up because I need to make the reservation at Dave and Busters ASAP!
btw…I don’t want to toot my own horn, but this expert makes the case that I am too a hero, okay Megatron? Stop leaving those mean comments on my Facebook page.
I partake of a potent magic brew and and kill wizards in a post-apocalyptic wasteland.
Partying is really, really awful. You shouldn’t do it.
Me Grimlock want to remind Bumblebee that many parties do not involve being tied up and videotaped, no matter what Starscream tell him.
Teletraan1 Data Dump: November
BEGIN TRANSMISSION
Top 20 Search Terms for DearOptimus.com
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Talk to the Hand
Dear Optimus,
So I’ve been looking for advice from this advice column, but they
won’t post any of my questions! This advice-giving web site is hosted
by one of my favorite characters from an AWESOME cartoon that
originated in Japan, and every question he posts gets some hilarious
answers. I’ve sent in at least five questions already, but none of them
have been posted. Even my friend is getting answers!What the hell?!
All I want to know is how to fix this annoying problem. What would you
do?~Love,
Disapointed in Oregon
Submitted via Ask Optimus a Question
Dear Disappointed,
Here’s some advice – learn how to take a damned hint.
Love, Megatron
Dear Disappointed in Oregon,
Please pay no attention to Megatron – your missing questions may be due to the grilled cheese sandwich Bumblebee attempted to cook inside Teletraan 1. If I can find your questions we will do our best to answer them in a reasonable time frame. Considering I am a robot, “reasonable” can be anywhere from one millisecond in the future to long after this galaxy’s sun has burned out. Thank you for your patience.
Optimus Prime
Vile robotic hellspawn, clearly the woman means me. And I’m not from this “Japan”, but was birthed on the Fields of Curlaken, or as you may know it: Springfield, Illinois.
And I don’t answer your questions, because obviously you are a wizard and also because I don’t know how to read.
Dear Optimus,
I don’t know if you’ve been to college or not. Regardless of that fact, here’s what I wanted to say: I reached a breaking point when dealing with the work that I have to do for my classes and stayed up until 12 something last night doing homework because it’s so dang hard for me to concentrate on important things first and pay attention long enough to get them done. Any good tips on how to keep focused on that stuff? Also, what do you do to relax at the end of a long day that would also work to get a human to be able to relax and go to sleep at a reasonable time?
-Tired girl in Virginia.
Submitted via Ask Optimus a Question
Dear Tired Girl in Virginia,
No, in fact, I did not go to college, mostly because I was too busy being a giant robot. Oh, that and the fact that I can just plug a flash drive directly into my brain to learn anything I want – I know Kung Fu bitches! Anyway, my research (mostly based on the direct-to-DVD American Pie documentary series) I can see how college would be tiring, what with all the Naked Miles and whatnot.
On the other hand – suck it up. You’re in your late teens or early twenties I bet, which is pretty much the only time of your life you’ll be effective on three or four hours of sleep. If you can’t handle it now, you might as well leave school start a more hairnet-oriented career.
Optimus Prime
Dear TGIV,
I put myself through Decepticon University with my own Energon, taking a full class schedule, working two jobs, AND battling Autobots on a daily basis. Whiny kids like you are the reason some species eat their young.
Love, Megatron
Hey Megatron,
Remember when we were at Cybertron High together? I seem to remember you always talking about your trust fund and how only Autobots paid for their own college. That was when you were crying after Ironhide gave you a wedgie after he kicked your butt at mecha-soccer, remember?
STFU
Lords of Light, woman! You don’t need this super-science they teach you atcollege. All you need is fabulous Sunsword. Or a penis.
Dear Optimus,
I’m an average looking tall guy, I’m not ugly. But I have no confidence when talking to women. What should I do?
FirePenguinDiscoPanda
Submitted via Ask Optimus a Question
Dear FirePenguinDiscoPanda,
I am a giant robot that transforms into a truck. I am the holder of the Matrix of Leadership, and the rightful leader of the Autobots. I am the scourge of the Decepticons and your only line of defense against them.
I am not, however, a miracle worker. Good luck with all that.
Optimus Prime
Dear FPDP,
There is a reason The Maker invented hookers, strippers, and what Starscream calls “Internet Happy Time.” You, apparently, are that reason.
Love, Megatron
Me Grimlock say you should be confident, make eye contact and try to make real human connection instead of just looking to get laid. Or, maybe just get Fleshlight.
Thundarr takes what he wants, when he wants, wherever he wants.
Not cool man, not cool.
Dear Optimus,
i want to know what is sparkling.
lisa
Submitted via Ask Optimus a Question
Dear Lisa,
I think you’re seeing what “sparkling” means in the image above. It’s shimmery, shiny, diamond-studded abs. You are welcome.
Optimus Prime
Oh hey, Optimus, you’re probably right and all, but I thought “sparkling” meant “baby transformers.” It’s cool. I’m probably wrong. Do you want to hang out on Friday?
Optimus –
That sounds dangerously like Team Edward sentiments when Cybertron is obviously Team Jacob country. That little werewolf turd is ripped like Jesus.
Love,
Megatron
Lords of Light! Wizards! My solution is to kill it. Or kill it.
Hello readers –
It appears Teletraan1 was on the fritz and a bunch of the Ask Optimus a Question emails were being ignored – sorry about the SNAFU but it appears Bumblebee tried to cook a grilled cheese sandwich over Teletraan’s motherboard. Hopefully we’ll be back on track soon, and I’m getting caught up on the backlog as quickly as possible.
Love,
Optimus
Dear Optimus,
I have to do a movie sex scene with a guy I don’t even know. I’m not sure if this is the right movie for me. What should I do about this? I have never even had sex myself. Please help!
Careful in California
This question was submitted via Ask Optimus a Question
Dear Careful in California,
Let me guess, some sleazy “producer” invites you to his office in a strip mall and tells you he’ll make you a big star. All it will take is for you to pretend to be something you’re not, maybe do a few things you’re not quite comfortable with. That’s the price of fame, he tells you, as he reaches for your Matrix of Leadership… Oh wait, that’s not your story. That’s what Michael Bay did to me.
I guess you should do what Teletraan1′s randomly-generated image above implies – follow the Amy Smart route. And by that I mean do some sordid things in the middle of Chinatown and pray you’ll be able to look at yourself in the mirror without bursting into tears after you cash the check.
Love,
Optimus
Dear Careful,
I don’t have much to add here – Prime pretty much nailed it. All I can say is – whatever happens, send me the tape so I can…send it to some of my Hollywood producer friends. Yeah, that’s the ticket.
Megatron
Optimus Prime 1:26 pm on December 22, 2011 Permalink | Log in to Reply
Dear OptimusTron,
This is an advice column, so unless you are planning to try to mate with your microwave, I am unclear on how a description of Cybertronian procreation would be helpful. I have some inkling of how humans spawn, based mostly on repeated viewings of reproductive documentaries “Three Men and a Baby” and “Three Men and a Little Lady.” I honestly don’t know how humans survive as a species.
Basically, I will tell you what I tell Bumblebee about how we reproduce: when a Mommy Autobot and a Daddy Autobot love each other very much, they use their communicators to call the Stork-bot, who saws open the Mommy Autobot’s stomach while she’s recharging and deposits a tiny baby robot in there. Trust me, that is way less disturbing than what really happens.
You’re welcome,
Optimus Prime
Megatron 1:40 pm on December 22, 2011 Permalink | Log in to Reply
Dear OptimusTron,
Thank you for submitting this question, as it is right in my wheelhouse. Cybertronian sex is goddamn awesome, no matter what Optimus Prude says. While we’re not quite as Discovery Channel about it as humans are, things are equally…hydraulic. Here’s the mating ritual that works for me:
PHASE ONE: GET DRUNK – my cocktail of choice is Energon and Juice
PHASE TWO: BOOTY CALL – it’s really nice having your whole contact list and phone implanted right in your head
PHASE THREE: SMALL TALK – if I play my cards right, this takes 14 nanoseconds
PHASE FOUR: FOREPLAY – also 14 nanoseconds if things are going my way
PHASE FIVE: BIG BOOM – this is where it gets good. Sparks, explosions, alligator clips attached to a car battery, a minimum of five goats, and a barrel of unprocessed oil (I have OPEC on speed dial)
PHASE SIX: GTFO – If you want to be classy, leave a $50 on the nightstand. I am never classy.
Please let me know if you have further questions.
Love,
Megatron
Leader1 1:37 am on December 23, 2011 Permalink | Log in to Reply
To make baby GoBots, just close your eyes and wish as hard as you can for something amazing.
Megatron 1:38 am on December 23, 2011 Permalink | Log in to Reply
You have got to be fucking kidding me.